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I recognize how difficult this, situation must be for you, and I wish you and your family all the best moving. He was arrested and spent nine months in jail right after he turned 18. Signs of a Victim Mindset. and dancing with my children, outings, love, cuddles, letting them make decisions, but apparently I am now finding out I was cruel and toxic and destroyed our family etc. You must select at least one category to create your Personal Parenting Plan: We're just about finished! It's really sad to me. This is a bot outside the scope of what we are able to offer coaching or advice on due to the age of your daughter. And they are extremely judgemental. We know who the vultures are. Every day my heart is broken a little more but now I am beginning to despise them because I have had to draw my own conclusions due to being shunned and before that verbally abused by all of them. more effectively? The best way to work towards accepting his choices is recognizing, that you dont have control over them and what he decides to do now at 21 years, old, is not going to determine what he will do as a career or determine the, person he will become. Her adult-level social and personal development has been influenced by his antisocial thinking. It really seems he has hated me since he was little. He is ADHD, refuses to do anything but half way clean the kitchen and the rest of the time he wants to play video games and watch TV. My parents always made sure we saw grandparents and other family, as did I. I am at my wit's end. Visit her to be there for her and show your love. But if three roommates put $65-$100 each in the pot thats $195-$300 a month for food. Thank you for reaching out. You hoped she was lying and actually planning to go to a boy's house or to . Now that Ive figured it out, Im going to make friends with low drama people and just keeping things very simple. Cathy, diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and severe OCD. This way we would see more of one another. Helping a Daughter Who Loves a Loser - Ask the Psychologist What do I do? As a young adult, he was using drugs, stealing, and eventually wound up in jail. She had a scholarship to a great University and she just had so much potential. It can be very painful to realize that the child you worked so hard to raise is not living up to their potential. Which was another deal we had made. These include feeling powerless, having a negative outlook, blaming others, and more. 3. life experience with them is a treasure they often ignore. Nearly four years ago . I wish there was a support group for parents like us who are struggling with their kids'life decisions. Unfortunately, we dont currently. Her older sister is reserved, they don't have much in common and she's impatient with her . or other authority figures? But, I don't think she is capable of doing the same for her daughter. Answer: Ask your parents. We are at the end of knowing what to do :(. Monitor the relationship without being openly antagonistic to her boyfriend, who may try to control and ultimately eliminate your daughter's access to you: Generally, a good gut check can help you determine if a boundary has been crossed. Sore losers often throw board game pieces or say mean things to other people in a fit of rage. life. I am so close to telling people I have no kids. Dear Worn out Mom, our 18 year old son does not have the same disabilities that your son has but he does the same things your son is doing.We live a a small community in Central VA. First of all he is very very smart! Concern for others to do well even if they were not struggling. I had to pull her out and homeschool because she went from straight A's to straight F's. 11 Ways to Get Your Daughter Away from a Controlling Boyfriend They have had difficult teen/young adult years and I just want it to be easier for them, but they think I am just negative about everything they do. A just 20 year old daughter with my husband who I've been with/married to for 23 yrs. Many times we get. Once again he's sleeping till 11am and waking up to play video games. Now that your daughter is an adult, there really isn't much you can do about who she chooses to spend her time with. Instead of encouraging her to make some changes in her life he babies her and makes it seem like her behavior isn't in any way responsible for the negative changes which have occurred over the past several years. My life is being directed in a way that excludes them so I plan to follow that path and see what I get out of it. A hopeful aspect is related to this same situation. We have offered to send her to Europe, on a semester abroad, or anywhere shed like to go, but she cant leave this loser. Backtalk complaints arguments attitude just plain ignoring you. She would have gone anyway if I told her I wanted her to stay. This makes the situation more difficult: as bizarre as it sounds, the loser has parented your daughter for the past six years. I hope so. Why Do I Attract Losers? 3 Reasons And How To Stop - Divorced Girl Smiling They moved to a different apt. Sore losers usually arent graceful winners. Good luck and stay connected as best you can with everyone in your lives. I couldnt live with that guilt or stress. But it got so bad, he refused to come over at all. I told him he did and he didnt deny it. I didnt raise him to be like this.. I've been preparing for awhile now. It may help to know that your daughter is going through a developmental stage called individuation - a time when teens and young adults pull away from their family as they move into adulthood. If I could, I would give every one of you 6 th place takers a really spectacular 'thanks for showing up' trophy. My husband's family has academia in their blood so there are PhD's all over the place. Good luck! GoodTherapy | Blaming Your Parents Hurts You Most He needs to see his full potential. Well, I was feeling badly that my daughter (18) is sabotaging her last semester of high school and that instead of going a excellent university (in another city) she is choosing a mediocre one because she can stay home. While you dont need to be brutally competitive, avoid losing on purpose to spare your childs feelings. They have an innate need to rebel against authority figures and it wouldnt be a terrible thing to use that energy to forge a better relationship. I don't know what to do with that. Is it even possible to help someone who does not want to help himself? There may not be anything you can do with that. We will not share your information with anyone. It's the least you can do for living in our house rent free, and blowing $12,000 for your first semester of college. Take care. They fought all the time in front of the kids( he has a 9 yr old son). In 5 years I'm buying a house and hes not coming with us. What to Do When Your Daughter Is Dating A Loser - Kids in the House He scared of doing things on his own, eats our food, uses our internet, is a smart mouth, and blames everybody elseespecially mefor how his life is. I have 6 kids. Take care. We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. You're a sucker for his self-deprecating attitude and laid-back stoner vibe. your family. I raised 3 kids. Because it's not that easy. I am so tired of asking him to do things NICELY for at least 2-4 times, then I raise my voice, and end up yelling because he will not do what I ask him to do. Intimidation aggression physical abuse and violence Are you concerned that your child may physically hurt you or others? She has never dated anyone else. Do your homework. Ultimately that is a decision only you can make. It can help to recognize that lying isnt really a moral issue or, a character flaw; its a reflection of poor problem solving skills. She has a job now in food service and was just passed up for a promotion to crew leader--losing out to people who had been there less time than she has. My brother was borderline. Plan is to move back w/us in May 2017 w/2 boys..biggest problem is lack of respect, sullen attitude w/me. She has broken up with him at least 50 times, but only for a day or two at a time. I think this type of media attention can have serious backlash even if it is real. []. Opinion: RFK Jr. is running in the wrong party. It has meant I have isolated from family and I don't tell friends or family what is going on - its too shameful. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. I can understand your frustration. Youre retired. I am speechless. He doesn't have any friends. Keep in mind that it's normal for preschoolers to make up their own rules as they play. He has a temper and becomes suicidal when we confront him about things. I needed to read it and the replies. I was broken and did not know I had PTSD. I've tried everything to help me get his life back. His most recent outlash was tattooing his face. mom fill for a year. She came close to leaving him a couple of times, but he tells her he will be gone when she comes back, and she backs down. He wont eat the food I cook bc he thinks I have germs and its contaminated. My 21 year old daughter recently moved back in to our home at my request. My two sons(same dad who is a loser) in their late 20s. Unless there is, abuse or neglect occurring, there may not be much you can do about how she, chooses to raise her children. My oldest daughter uses me for my money, has a horrible attitude and is a really bad mom to her child. She keeps saying she's going through something and her life is in the air and doesn't want to be bothered, by anyone. it went well for a while, she's moved out since then. So, we got bunk beds. My disappointment, shame and failure is so enormous that I cant handle it and think about leaving. But as her 18th birthday approached, she insisted she was leaving. Culturally, we tend to value social status over personal fulfillment and happiness. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. They're trying on different versions of their life. wanted. My other daughter was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and is covered in unsightly tattoos and her career choice is not what I ever imagined. Guess I find myself pondering at what point does 'accepting' roll over to 'endorsing', which to me, seems like a suggestion to roll over and give up. They see her coming home high and not going to school or to work. We have saved up enough money for her to any school and stay in res. Im currently on a break right now from yet it has caused me to think of the most extreme consequences happening to her. Its always our fault we were bad parents, but everyone knows how untrue this is,she goes from one person to another with her stories,and it always comes back to us. She'd be leaving for school shortly anyway. She's very manipulative and knows what to tell the therapist and worst of all I think he believes her. I am living alone for the 1st time ever in my life and I have peace. It's common for kids to struggle to maintain a positive attitude while losing at their favorite game. As parents, we tend to think that if anything goes wrong with our kids, its our fault. Does Your Child or Teen Have a Negative Self-image? - Empowering Parents We get no respect, no gratitude. How do I help her? blue collar, low paying job that he hates. I do take half the blame, I just cant shake the feelings and cant feel any joy. thank you for listening. Since you dont have this, my god you must love yourself. Sometimes, this is at a cost toour own well being. Most of the important people in my life are borderline and I had to figure out why I put up with and attract these personalities. I just dont get it. Am I helping or hurting the situation? We were super close for 18 years. This is simply not true, her life and what she does, and who she does it with is the same as always. I really thought I did a good job with them. C.H. it wasn't fair to either of them to have to sleep on our couch or an air mattress. Im 75 she is 52. today. It is sadly a waiting game where Hold on Loosely is appropriate. Enabling is fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth and responsibility. The problem is my daughter thinks she has free range to do as she pleases at my house. This is a time to remember your mission as a parent. I had my own issue that I'm getting help with, codependency, but she called me a coward for my anxieties. We cant imagine that she will marry him, but she is making no effort to get away from him. Lying can be a big button issue for a lot of parents. I just don't understand why a girl who had it all just decided to throw it all away. I found out by myself by investigating. I did this to them. He has at least 18 of the Loser traits in your article. Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to I think its important to look at your own feelings in a more objective light. I am wondering what kind of answers you will get on here. And are in college. Quitting because he's behind, yelling because he didn't win or getting angry at you for winning are all signs your child is a sore loser. Thus, he is able to make his own choices about his life, and he is also responsible for the outcomes associated with those choices. Thank you for your input. disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for With consistent practice, your child can learn how to be a good sport. But I will also call him out when he is being disrespectful. I am also extremely worried about her, and frightened about what is going to happen to her. Whether you approve of their career, their lifestyle, or their choice of life partner, it doesnt change the fact that they now have the right to make their own choices. Because I'm not sure real losers actually ever see themselves as such. I am mean because I tell her that she seems to have stopped caring and trying. Try Online Counseling: Get Personally Matched(Please read our important explanation below.). They left feeling bewildered and not knowing what to say to him. Now my daughter. Paid the tags, insurance, oil changes, smog checks. its easy to disrespect meI cried for a long time. Christianity Reminders From God When You Feel Like a Failure We serve a God who didn't promise success all the time, but who promised us that he would always be there for us. I did sooooooo much for him since he's my child and my first born. Create a secure account with Empowering Parents developed a drug habit leading to an overdose that we did not know of until recently. I can say this and feel it, "I regret having kids." Or, when she is interested in a good boy, help her understand . When I woke up the next morning, I found out that she had this person spend the night with her at my house. Being a sore loser isn't likely to do your child any favors. Borderline personality disorder is a serious health problem. budumchaaa Seriously though. She is many ways took on the verbal and emotional manipulation of her father and I can not tolerate that. At first, you were excited when your daughter informed you that she was "going to the library.". kid until about the age of twelve. Daughters of narcissistic fathers may feel they . ( I lived off of busy street where headlights shown through the trees behind my place and moved the shadows as the vehicle went by. My daughter wanted to be an RN but she first had to finish high school. She constantly put them down and told him they are evil and to stay away from them and now he is thinking about not continuing his studies because she says doctors are just money hungry and don't care about people, she is getting bored with him and I think they may have finally broke up. Now he's back home and mad at me because I am against him going back to being a waiter. lives in another state 1400 miles away). Both sons have contracted hepatitis from their drug use. I tried so hard to provide her with self-esteem, confidence, opportunity. I have stpoppopped attending church, just feel like heaven let me down. Everything I did, was in their best interest. Instead of saying, Youre the fastest runner on the team, say, I like the way you cheered for the other kids today. Point out good sportsmanship and emphasize the importance of treating others respectfully. All her friends dislike him. 26 answers. At 18, your daughter is deciding who they are and what they want. I'm so humiliated and ashamed that my family know about this situation after she told them about it. I am also professional in the behavioral health world and have some fairly well for myself so it is Incredibly scary to know the potential road she is ahead. He threatened to leave her every week and finally moved out After 4 months of marriage . Aside from recognizing your feelings and acknowledging them, there are two important points to remember. Updated on August 20, 2010. I hope that he can look at this train wreck and choose a different path. The reality is, this is now your childsjourney. She claims that when he's finished she will go back. Be Polite but Vigilant. Some things may have been more effective, and some less effective, but you did your best. I'm moving away to get far away from them because they're erasing my happiness. She does things that I have ask her not to do many times. Frustrated and exhausted by your child's behavior? Yet, he is the one who told me he has always felt behind in school, and it's our fault for not holding him back. You deserve to have someone love you back as much as you love them. spent the last year or so focusing on what is best to do for me and the family. Sometimes situations such as you describe come down to a judgment call in, regard to the boundaries you wish to establish.
